I’m Letting Go

I tried, I really have, and I’m giving up. For eight years I have contacted you, tried to cultivate a relationship with you, and genuinely cared about what was going on in your lives but I don’t think I can anymore.

None of it was reciprocal, if I didn’t contact you, there was no contact and that’s pretty much how its been. When I would contact you and ask what was going on in your lives I would receive non answers. You never asked what was going on in my life and didn’t seem to care. I feel foolish now for trying for so long. For hoping our relationship would improve.

I don’t know why I kept trying for so long. Part of it was believing family is not supposed to give up. But I also can’t deny that for some strange reason I wanted your love and approval. I don’t want or need it anymore though.

You may not know this about me, but I’m an emotionally distant person. So it should speak to my love for you that I cared enough about you to reach out, that’s not something people like me generally do.

For the longest time I felt like I had done something wrong or that there was something faulty about me which caused you to not really respond to me when I did contact you. I felt rejected and unloved because you didn’t care to contact me at all. I was angry, oh god I was angry.

But now I realize it has absolutely nothing to do with me. I’ve tried to keep a relationship with you going but we are basically strangers to each other now. I don’t know you and you have missed out on knowing me. I’m giving up I’m no longer allowing you to make me feel shitty.

Recently one of you contacted me to tell me someone was in the hospital. I didn’t care. But part of me, the part that held out hope for a meaningful relationship, decided I should feign concern, so I did. You told me you would keep me updated on the condition of the person in the hospital. You updated Facebook before me, actually you never updated me at all.

And that act solidified how I feel. No matter how much effort I put in, you will never care enough about me to reciprocate. You find your Facebook friends more deserving of information about a family member than I. You gave no fucks about my concern, and even though it was feigned, it still sucks to know you don’t care about my feelings.

So this is the part where I give up, I’m letting go of the anger and resentment and I’m moving on.

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One Response to I’m Letting Go

  1. Pingback: Letting Go And Letting In | opinionatednautilus

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