I’m a man a few words, at least when it comes to my emotions. I’ve been that way as far back as I can remember.
Awhile ago I was up late bored and decided to take some personality quizzes. I don’t usually take them seriously but I got a peculiar result on one of them. The result was “emotionally distant from those even closest to him.” For some reason that sentence struck a chord with me.
So I consulted my closest family and friends to see if they felt I was emotionally distant, they all said yes. That surprised me because I do a lot of pretending. Although I have been more lax about it as I aged. I don’t feel the need to put up the farce as often, I’m more genuine now than I have been my entire life.
My genuine self hates attachments. He wants independence to the highest extent. He sees emotional attachments as a threat to his freedom. So he pays lip service and does just enough to maintain the relationships that matter to him but he never goes all in. On the rare occasion he does he feels a deep sense of betrayal.
He doesn’t want the responsibility of someone else’s feelings. He’ll never tell you how helpless he feels when he sees someone he loves hurting and he doesn’t have the words to heal them.
He won’t entertain any relationship that causes him too much stress. He’s quick to kick people to the curb and can numb himself to feelings for and of someone overnight. He can come across as cold and uncaring.
When it comes to workplace relationships he’s superficial to the highest extent, he will never get truly involved. He’ll do his job, he may even be a workaholic, but you will never know him. He’ll small talk but will never get personal even if you do.
He’ll never reveal his true feelings he sees that as a weakness.
But the truth is, behind all that, behind the stoic and stony facade, he feels a lot. His heart can feel like its exploding with love for those he cares about but the most you’ll get is a curt “I love you.” Hes sentimental and sensitive. But he hides it well.
If you were once special to him you will always be, even if he acts indifferent towards you. He reminisces about the good old days just like everyone does, but quietly and to himself.
He sometimes feels the rage of a thousand storms, the sadness of motherless child, he feels with such intensity that his only recourse is to shut down.
He’s distant because he has to be not because he wants to be. His indifference is a salve to his emotional scars and wounds. It protects him from feeling too much. Because for him there is no middle ground.
So thank you. Thank you for loving me despite my indifference, despite my distance. Because even though you feel distant from me, I feel you close to me. You are as vital to me as the beats of my heart. And as I sit here pondering my numbness and indifference…I feel so much.
That sense of pride I feel when I realize I come across as indifferent is fading. I’m starting to realize maybe there’s more to life than this. But only in abstract thought. He’s stuck in his ways and doesn’t know if he can change.
A close friend once told me the only time she’s seen me express an emotion that wasn’t happiness was in this blog. That when I wrote about my father she got to see a side of me she’d never known. So hopefully this blog will do that again.
Unspoken sentences do not mean unfelt emotions.
My distance is a safety mechanism and I think its starting to break.