I started my current job a year ago. It was my ideal job, well not exactly ideal, but it contained elements of the type of job I envisioned myself in. I always wanted to work in an large corporate office setting and this job gave me that opportunity.
Things were rocky when I started here. I wasn’t used to being in such a busy environment with so much going on around me. I was able to focus and do my job but I left every night feeling suicidal. This was caused by the stress of dealing with the symptoms that come along with schizophrenia.
It was important for me to make this job work though. I had something to prove to myself and to the world. So I strapped up my boots and forced myself to make it work at the expense of my mental health. Why? Because I have this notion that accommodating my illness would be giving up and giving in. I’m starting to think rethink this though.
In order to cope at work I’ve had to go up on the dose of the medication I take several times. It makes me able to stay calm in the busy environment but I feel overmedicated. Not only that but going up on the medication did not really solve the fundamental problem which is that I’m so overwhelmed by the environment due to my illness that I can’t function. No amount of medication will solve that problem. Sure, I can do my job but at this point I’m so mentally drained that I feel like giving up on life. And so I think it’s time for me to find something less stressful for me.
It’s taken me a year to reach this realization. I was so determined to be “able” that I’ve sacrificed my own well being. I’m starting to learn that the life I want may not be the life that is healthy for me to live. People have always pushed me. I have always been hard on myself, but this time I’m going to give myself kindness and understanding. I’m going to do whats best for me.