I’ve been at this mental illness thing for a fair bit now and Im starting to wonder if maybe things were better when I kept my struggles between me, my therapist, and internet strangers. I had a therapist about two years ago who encouraged me to let the people around me in as a salve to my loneliness and lack of support. I had been lonely, alone in my struggle for years, so her advice gave me hope. Hope for understanding, help, support, and to basically not be in the trenches alone. But here I am two years later alone in my struggle.
The thing my therapist, or I should probably say I missed, is that I had my reasons for keeping these people at arms length and there was also a reason they didn’t probe; they weren’t equipt to handle what I experience. But I thought maybe I had faulty thinking or maladaptive relationship habits, so against my better judgement, I let them in.
The end result of all this was the loss of two friends and struggling to accept family for who they are because I really want to be done with them. I’ve been mocked, had my intentions questioned, been judged harshly, treated to a healthy dose of ableism, all the while struggling to keep my head above water. I’m already down and the kicks keep coming. I have honestly been struggling with feelings of bitterness towards neurotypical people in general.
But I see and acknowledge my mistake. I opened up to people who were not safe. I was so lonely I forgot my boundaries. Opening up, being completely honest, comes with a risk and I’m not sure its worth it.