In a cheap hotel room I sat with my laptop googling prices of helium and co2 gas. When I wasn’t doing that I was seeing if there were any times listed online for freight trains near where I was sleeping. When I wasn’t doing that I was trying to figure out how to get gas tanks delivered since I didn’t have a car or a truck. When I wasn’t doing that I was trying to find the closest over ground train high speed line and transportation to that spot. Then I would considered the merits of burning coal in my hotel bathroom while taking a hot bath. In between all those things I cried and thought about how hopeless everything was and then wonder where I would be sleeping the next night. If I had the night shift at work it wasn’t really a concern but on days I didn’t i’d have to scrounge up money and hope I had enough for a hotel room. Or maybe that my mom would let me crash. Or I’d sleep at a train station. When I wanted to stop thinking, I would take some sleeping pills and stream something on my laptop until they kicked in then I would go to sleep.
Eventually I found somewhere to live thanks to a nonprofit. I had a med change and the hopelessness disappeared but it was also the beginning of Spring and my mood always shifts in the Spring out of depression or at least out of soul crushing depression. I’ve been thinking a lot about those days when I was sleeping at libraries during the day, working at night, getting paid only to spend it all staying in a hotel for less than a week. About the despair, sadness, and hopelessness that was so bad I could feel it physically. How my best friend tried to bring me out of it, tried to make me see light and I called bullshit on all of it. I still do. Still did when my mood lifted. I’m feeling it physically now in this moment, the depression, the sadness. I took pen to paper the other night and realized I have never felt truly connected to anything since I was in my freshman year of college. I don’t feel truly connected to people either, all the contact feels superficial even when its supposed to be meaningful. I’m just rambling at this point. Today was the first snow of the year where I live. Yay. See superficial. Ha.