Awhile ago I wrote a blog entitled Father’s Day When Your Father Is Deceased. In that blog I explored my feelings of grief for my father as I never really had as an adult. I observed how my grief transformed as I reached adulthood, well recently, these feelings transformed again.
I recently came out of months of depression and i’ve been baseline, maybe even a little overly happy the past few weeks. The other night while taking a shower, it occured to me how silly it was that I ever considered suicide. In that moment, everything I want to achieve in the decades to come, all the years I have left(god willing), hit me like a train. I had never felt this way before and it was totally new to me. After I had that moment of clarity I remembered its almost the anniversary, the 22nd anniversary, of my father’s death. Not only that, but I am now older than he was when he died, just before 30.
After realizing how much life I have to live, I started to realize how much life my father lost. My grief is transforming from what I lost to grieving for what he lost. My father was smart and ambitious, he could have achieved so much more than he was allowed to in the short period of time he was alive. I don’t know what his hopes and dreams were, but if he didn’t achieve them, it hurts me that he never got a chance to realize them.